Whodunit?

No Name asked:
Ok…lets try a little scenario/question. So say you have a best friend and lets call him “Tom”. Tom tells you about a certain incident that happened to him involving “Sam” who’s also a good decent friend to you at the time. NOT as close as Tom, but you guys have maybe drank together a few times or even hung out probably because Tom wasn’t around and you all just know each other. Though Tom is clearly your best friend and everyone knows that. You guys practically were raised together so your like brothers. Tom then begins to tell you a little disturbing story about how Sam betrayed him on a few deals and caused him so much pain he almost lost his wife over it because it nearly destroyed him and you can see its taken a lot out of him. So, you naturally put up your guard and even become cautions of Sam because of what Tom has told you in detail happened to him. I mean its pretty obviously Tom is in pain over the incident that happened. But you don’t befriend (defriend?) Sam as the man has always been decent to you. AND what happened to Tom did NOT involved you.

Time goes by and one day Tom sees you hanging out or having a few beers with Tom (Sam?) and he quickly freaks and gives it to you straight saying: “HOW THE HECK CAN YOU BE FRIENDS WITH TOM (SAM?) AFTER WHAT I TOLD YOU HE DID TO ME”? Now what happened to him with Sam might have not been a good thing but you don’t think he has the right to tell you who your friends are or what you should feel about anyone because you have your own brain and heart to do the thinking for you. AND though you do feel that Tom does have every right to be upset with Sam for what he said Sam did, you are now offended or shocked that Tom would expect you to cut him out totally in the name of “friendship” because that isn’t you. The Q is: Who is wrong? Tom for expecting you to consider what happened to him with Sam so you shouldn’t be friends with Sam? Or You for not seeing and considering Toms feelings? Does a close friend have the right to expect such a thing? I mean…..WTF? What is this, six grade? Who is wrong in your eyes?

Good heavens, my dear questioner, this is a most lengthy theoretical scenario. You should take up writing soap operas. I have taken the liberty of paraphrasing your question in the analysis below. Alright, now that that’s out of the way, let’s look at the situation through the eyes of someone we’ll call Fred.

So, Tom is Fred’s best friend. They were raised together and are practically brothers. That implies a pretty close relationship. Now, a third party enters the scene: Sam. Sam did some unsavory things to Tom and Tom was pretty tore up about it. Tom tells Fred all about the betrayal, and Fred is sympathetic, but not overly deeply or personally offended by Sam.

Fred continues to be friends with Sam because he likes the guy, and the situation with Tom had nothing to do with Fred. One day, though, Tom sees Fred hanging out with Sam, and Tom is thoroughly ticked. Tom flies off the handle at Fred, and now Fred is confused as to who is in the wrong.

First of all, let me say that Sam is definitely in the wrong. He deeply hurt one of Fred’s friends, so he should be treated with caution, as he was. Ultimately, Sam is the cause of all this mess. Tom and Sam, however, probably share equal blame. This situation is what is called a lack of communication. One party is offended by the actions of another because of a misunderstanding.

Let’s look at the betrayal of Tom by Sam and Tom’s friendship with Fred on the same personal level. The betrayal, obviously, is a negative influence, which deeply scars Tom. Fred’s friendship, though, is a positive and encouraging influence at the same personal level. Tom, looking at this through the irrational and emotional lens of one who has been deeply hurt, is placing a lot of value on Fred’s friendship. When he sees Fred hanging out with Sam, he immediately connects the negative influence of Sam with what he thought was a positive influence, i.e. Fred.

Still smarting from Sam’s betrayal, he is over-sensitive and feels that Fred has now “betrayed” their friendship. The best course of action for Fred to take, if he truly values his friendship with Tom, would be to steer clear of Sam for a while. Tom is operating off emotion, and until he comes to grips with that, he will continue to be deeply agitated by Sam. One could not expect any different, though. If Tom was about to lose his wife, the situation was indeed very serious. That is not lightly recovered from.

Fred should also talk with Tom about the situation. If they’re like brothers, I’m sure they will be able to come to terms. Arguing at an emotional level, “he’s my friends, why can’t I hang out with him?” Without considering the emotions of the other “he just about split me and my wife, you retard!” Will not resolve the situation in any beneficial way. I’m not sure the blame can be squarely place on any one person, other than Sam for starting the whole situation. Fred should be more considerate of how he presents his friendship with Sam, but Tom should look at the situation more logically and perhaps realize that he and his friends are adults.

Finally, the last thing for Fred to take into consideration is which of the friendships are more solid. If both are solid friends, then he should be able to honestly talk through the situation with them. If Sam really is as deceitful by nature as he was with Tom, is he worth hanging out with or risking Fred’s own well-being? Just food for thought.

Good Day,
~XK

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